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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER

Date: July 22, 2008
Vol. 6, No. 25

Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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Elevator failures happen most often when the car is moving at faster speeds. To keep everyone safe, press the buttons for all floors, regardless of which one is your destination. Everyone will thank you for it.

The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for July 23 -- 29th, 2008 is as follows:

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): In the mood for Deep Thoughts? You may meet a real-life Philosopher! Ponder the Mysteries of the Universe together, but don't get lost in conversation or he might forget to serve the other customers their food. Consult a Gemini about finances.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Big Excitement! A mysterious charm causes you to become thrilled by the smallest things. A glass of water! Woohoo! Look, cows! Hooray! Still, better to be delighted by the mundane, than bored by the magnificent. Have some empathy for an Aries.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Fantastic Adventure! Saturn's track may bring contact with some Faerie Folk! Remember: Not all Elves work for Santa, and some of them are a bit touchy about it. Take your camera for some great photos! Swap clothes with a Sagittarius.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Dreading Summer Vacation? You may be pleasantly surprised when your leisure time is not the anticipated drudgery, but a delight! For once you're not being set up for some metaphysical lesson about gratitude; you're just lucky. Still, be sure to say "Thank you!" Unexpected meeting with a Capricorn.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Code Name: Mango! When you discover that a close friend has made millions from international mango smuggling, you'll be tempted to use your knowledge of what happened in 7th grade for some lucrative blackmail. Remember, never set your price higher than it would cost for your victim to have you eliminated. Don't bother arguing with a Scorpio this week.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Peace and Love! If you're suddenly the focus of an unexpected gathering of free-spirited young people, don't merely grab the fire extinguisher and drive them away. Give it a chance, and perhaps you'll find the drumming and tie-dye clothes appealing. Groove on it! A Taurus will be in a foul mood.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Ecret-Say Odes-Cay! Did you skip class on the day they covered cryptology? You may regret that soon, when you need to decode an important message! If you're too slow, you may miss an exciting opportunity for foreign travel with an attractive taxidermist. A Gemini seeks guidance.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Ever feel like the people in movies and TV are directly talking to you? They might be! An odd conversation with an on-screen person may reveal startling insights, or perhaps merely the location of a nice restaurant you've never been to before. Tip generously! A Virgo brings news!

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Time for a Mystical Encounter! You may meet a Happy Medium this week (as in a Spirit Communicator, not a cheerful person of a size between Small and Large)! Have your questions for the Spirit World ready; your time with the Medium may be short! A Libra will be extra sensitive.

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Expect to see one of your favorite Celebrities in person soon? Your urge to get that autograph may be fueled by post-hypnotic suggestion. Could you have been brainwashed to try to kill them? If bringing the crossbow along seems reasonable, you may be under someone's control! Business opportunity from a Sagittarius.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): You know how you usually find things in the last place you look? Keep looking even after you find it! You'll discover more than you were searching for, which may lead to an interesting interaction with an garrulous sea captain. Who wouldn't want that? Ask an Aquarius about lifestyle changes.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Be cautious opening bottles and jars! The stars indicate that you may have accidentally trapped an Elemental in one, and it will be in a bad mood when released. You should be fine if every time you open something, you hold it out the window. A Pisces will be this week's Helper Monkey.

****************************************************************
Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!

>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<

Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:

<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?

Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck,
ASK DR. ELDRITCH! ****************************************************************

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Ask Dr. Eldritch Vampire My boyfriend wants us to become vampires, so we can be together. Would this work?

I just graduated from high school, and my parents want me to go to state university, which is two hundred miles away. Trey, my BBFF (that's Best BoyFriend Forever) for two years, lives here and works for his uncle's construction company, and we'd hardly get to see each other if I go. We've talked about getting married, but we can't afford it. Trey said that if the two of us become vampires, we can do whatever we want and live together forever. It sounds really romantic, but I'm not sure. I mean, we'd have to drink blood, wouldn't we? That's just too gross, I don't think I could do that. I love him so much, and I really love the idea of being with him forever, especially always being young. Is there another way we could have eternal youth without the blood and stuff?

-- Tiffinee in Alabama

Dear Tiffinee,
Oh, please! This is such a Bad Idea on so many levels, I hardly know where to begin. I bet Trey's told you that vampires are just Misunderstood Gothic Romantics, and hiding from the sun is only a minor inconvenience, and once you become Undead, every night will be Prom Night. This is the biggest load in the world, and I'm amazed that anybody falls for it. Being a vampire sucks. (Ha ha! I never get tired of that joke!)

Seriously, let me enumerate the many problems with this plan: First, Immortality. Vampires aren't truly immortal, since they can be killed. While some vampires "live" for a very long time, most get dusted in the first few weeks. To be a successful bloodsucker, you need to be clever about it. Truthfully, most people who end up vampired aren't very smart in the first place. Being Undead brings out one's worst qualities, such as arrogance and stupidity, so they start believing they're invincible. Well, it doesn't take too many drained corpses in the neighborhood for the locals to figure things out and call the exterminator. Fights between a veteran vampire hunter and a novice vampire tend to be brief. There are many more old vampire hunters than old vampires, if you get my drift.

Second, you don't know what it's like to be with the same person for decades, let alone centuries. Sure, you love him now, but a hundred years down the line, his constant humming of show tunes or that way he scratches himself will JUST DRIVE YOU CRAZY! A vampire divorce is usually served as a wooden stake to the heart.

Even beyond all that, Eternal Love by being Undead has a big, gnarly flaw: You're dead. Really. Yes, a supernatural transformation takes place, when your soul shuffles off to Purgatory (to await the final transition of your still-animate body before it takes the last train to the Hereafter), and a vampiric life-force animates your body. Scholars continually debate whether the vampire is still "you" (since your soul has vacated the premises), or an undead entity that can access your memories and some of your personality. With your soul gone, "Vampire You" is missing traits like kindness, empathy, generosity, and yes, love. So the love you two share today will be history when you're Undead. While many vampires bond with each other and act like they're in love, that's just habit. Vampires wouldn't be able to commit the atrocities that they do if they still felt human emotion.

Interesting that you worry about one of the most minor problems; drinking blood. What you find disgusting now becomes mighty appealing to an after-death citizen. "Gross" all depends on what you're used to (for example, baby birds get excited about eating regurgitated worms and insects; drinking blood sounds tasty compared to that, and I'm not Undead). A lack of human emotion helps. The craving for blood makes it palatable, and the sense of detached superiority makes it seem justified. If you were foolish enough to choose becoming "Metabolically Disadvantaged," drinking blood would seem as natural as wearing black and sleeping in a coffin.

One of the things that annoys me the most about vampires is their arrogant conviction that they're superior to mortal humans. Granted, they can live eternally, stay youthful, and have unnatural strength. They even believe their lack of emotion is an improvement. Because they live off of humans, they think they're higher up the food chain and somehow better than us. Well, lice drink blood too, and it doesn't make them superior beings. Vampires are just night-walking parasites, hollow shells of the people they once were, resentful of the living, and driven insane by constant, insatiable cravings.

Sorry to give you the soapbox lecture, but it really annoys me when people describe vampirism as glamorous, sexy, or desirable. You focus on the trinkets you gain, but ignore what riches you lose. Like the way everyone wants to be a movie star because they see the parties, popularity, and riches, and ignore the long hours, loss of privacy, and warped personalities. Undoubtedly, shallow or miserable humans would think that becoming soulless and insensate is a worthwhile trade, but vampires aren't happy. Their existence is torment; a constant pursuit of blood and violence to fill the incessant craving for joy, which can never be fulfilled without a soul. They tell themselves they're proud and free and superior, but that's only to cover the constant unspoken yearning for what they've lost and can never regain. Their big secret is that most vampires go insane and do themselves in, preferring to face their final accounting in the Great Beyond rather than continue the centuries of anguish.

Not what you pictured, is it? I suggest that you devote your energy to being fully alive with your boyfriend; celebrating each day, working through the problems, and committing yourself to a life of growth and change. Growing old together is actually one of the joys of a human relationship (okay, as a teenager that may be totally beyond your comprehension, but trust me). If he can't get past this adolescent fantasy of eternal bloodsucking existence, move on. You'll do better with someone who wants to live with you than someone who wants to die with you.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch

 
(DISCLAIMER: Anyone intelligent enough to be reading this should understand 1) Satire, and 2) That following the advice given may result in physical, mental, or spiritual harm to beings living, dead, or undead. The author does not suggest that anyone other that the originator of any given letter follow his advice, and cannot be held liable if anyone else does.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS! THINK FOR YOURSELF! DON'T DO STUPID THINGS THAT MAKE THESE DISCLAIMERS NECESSARY!
If you need more, read this Advanced Disclaimer!) All content © 2008 Evan M. Nichols