Ask Dr. Eldritch

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Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho! Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Ask Dr. Eldritch Elders An arcane secret society may be out to get me because I'm aware of them, but I can hardly believe they exist!

It started when I was doing research for my political-science thesis. As you're probably aware, all the good topics were used up long ago, so I was browsing the Rare Book Room of my university library for ideas. I came across an unfinished manuscript about a secret society. I wouldn't have read it except for the archivist's notes. Apparently, the author died suddenly, before he could finish writing it, and all his works were believed to be destroyed. This was the only extant copy remaining, and the archivist suggested that if anyone chose to read it, they should tell nobody about it. Needless to say, that got my interest.

The group, started by ancient scientists and inventors, called themselves the Order of Atlantean Elders. Basing their activities on some "lost" writings of Archimedes, they secretly manipulated political and social structures for their own purposes by controlling the development and release of new technology. If the manuscript is to be believed, for a thousand years they've selected certain families to rise to wealth and power, such as the Medici family of Florence and the Rockefellers of the United States. They've controlled which countries are allowed to advance technologically, and have suppressed such inventions as self-polishing shoes, teleportation machines, and a car that runs on water.

All of this is incredible enough, but they've supposedly done all this without any written record of their existence. Before the advent of telecommunications, information between the Elders was relayed via a complex networks of buskers, particularly accordion players. Membership was so secret, two scientists could work together for years, and never know that they were both in the Order. I won't bore you with the details, but the hideous complexity of their methods made the manuscript seem to be pure fiction.

Still, I used the ideas as the basis for my thesis: "Theoretical Possibilities of Global Domination Through Secretive Manipulation of Technological Advancement." After I defended my thesis, strange things started happening. I've had the weirdest feeling that my television is watching me. I'd swear a mailbox followed me for hours one afternoon, but it stood perfectly still whenever I looked right at it. When I'm in a bank or convenience store, all the security cameras track my every move.

Could the Order really exist? If so, then what I know puts me in danger! They could make me disappear, just like the inventor of tamper-proof electronic voting machines! What can I do?

-- An Anxious Grad Student

Dear Grad Student,
As an educated person, you're probably familiar with Occam's Razor, which is generally quoted as saying "When multiple explanations are available for a phenomenon, the simplest version is preferred." Most people don't know the second half, which states: "However, the probability of the existence of a secret conspiracy is directly proportional to its level of complexity." A simple organization would be an obvious one, and then it would hardly be secret, would it? Maintaining a powerful technological cartel for centuries without appearing in print would be a fabulously complex undertaking, so the fact that a Google search for "Order of Atlantean Elders" turns up ZERO hits proves that it exists.

I didn't know that scientists and inventors were the ones pulling the strings on a global scale, but that fits with Dr. Eldritch's Theory of Guilty Parties: "It's never who you expect it to be." Perhaps my suspicion of Realtors is not as well-founded as I thought...

Fortunately for you, there is an easy solution to your problem: Join them! Print up a t-shirt that reads "I cut myself shaving with Occam's Razor" and show it to your TV, the bank cameras and mailboxes in your neighborhood. They'll get the message, and odds are you'll be recruited in no time. Once you're part of the group, it will be in your best interest to have your thesis and the source document vanish, and you can go merrily about suppressing super-efficient solar cells and the technology for broadcasting scents through television. No need to thank me, but I wouldn't mind a pair of those self-polishing shoes....

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch

 
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