Dear Dr. Eldritch,
As I write this, a small, nasty creature like an armadillo with tentacles is scrabbling about in a cage in my study. I think it came from the south wing of my recent inheritance, a sprawling, isolated manor house. While this may sound like a phenomenal windfall, the place is falling apart, it's always drafty and cold, and feels unquestionably peculiar. The hallway where I found my new "pet" has a tendency to ripple as if hot air is rising from the floor, and the far end gets quite murky, even in full daylight. Is the house haunted? What should I do?

-- Colin beyond the Boondocks

Dear Colin,
Your house may be haunted, but that probably isn't the cause of the symptoms you describe. Based on your story, I'd bet that you've got a portal to another dimension going on in that hallway. This is a bit of luck, although the particulars of the dimension and your attitude about it will determine whether it is good or bad luck.

Contrary to what you see on TV, portals aren't always clearly-defined openings streaming with bright lights. Most portals are fairly subtle, and only allow inter-dimensional travel erratically. First thing to do is barricade your mystery hallway so if anything larger, meaner, and/or hungrier than the armadillo-squid comes through, it can't freely wander your home. That's just common sense.

Second, take some time to figure out the frequency and duration of the possible portal. Daily? Intermittently? Only at night? You'll want to know when you go across how long you have until you can get back.

Of course you're crossing the portal! Maybe there are things that God doesn't want us to know, but it's in your house, you have every right. And how could you not go? If you're nervous, bring some friends. If you don't have any friends who want to explore parallel dimensions, well, I feel sorry for you.

Arm yourself. Faithful readers of my column know that I recommend a short 12-guage shotgun loaded with a special blend of silver and sodium double-aught in a stabilizing compound. Silver bladed weapons are also a must; not all dimensions share the same laws of physics we live under, and firearms don't work. Take as much gear, body armor, night vision, etc. as your budget and load-bearing capabilities can take. Chance favors the heavily armed.

Then check it out. Do be a bit cautious; make the first few sorties shorter than the open time of the portal. Some dimensions are quite safe and friendly, others would give a Lovecraftian the heebie-jeebies. Don't be embarrassed to use the string-back-to-the-doorway trick, that's what the pros do.

Once you've determined the nature of your inter-dimensional real estate, figure out what you want to do with it. There's no shame in exploiting other dimensions, just do it responsibly. Trade with the sentient inhabitants, but don't enslave them. Use it as your personal vacation resort, but don't trash it. Lead safaris if you want, but don't hunt to extinction. Maybe this new dimension is a whole world filled with waiting adventure for a brave-hearted few. When the mundane tedium of this universe gets too much, strap on your holsters and head for the far cross-dimensional horizon to find your fortune. It's an early-retirement plan better than any 401k, and it's the option yours truly plans to take when this realm no longer satisfies.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch