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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: January 5, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 2
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
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Welcome to another year of the Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter! I hope you're looking forward to more of the information you need to know to survive in a dangerous and confusing world. I can't wait to see what happens!
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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Before boarding a city bus, always check to make sure it isn't ethereal white, slightly transparent and filled with the souls of the lost! Ghost Buses wander the streets, taking on the unwary for an eternal ride where no amount of ringing the bell will allow disembarking. Unless this sounds better than your morning commute, wait for your regular bus to arrive.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for January 5 - 11, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Gnomic Recall! A troublesome time for the earth signs. You'll walk into a room, and then can't remember what you were looking for. Later, an encounter with gnomes turns ugly. Win them over with chocolates (keep some handy, naturally)! Your secret admirer is a Scorpio.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Squamous Pests! Your sign's position in the bisected triangle made by Mercury, Saturn and Mars means odd power fluxes in your vicinity. Small creatures from another dimension will appear in your closet. A clever person with a few live traps could make a bundle selling the things online! Note uncharacteristic behavior from a Taurus.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Dream BIG Dreams! Reach for the stars, etc., etc. Set your goals high, but resist temptation to literally sell your soul. That's a shortcut that only leads to sorrow. Offer to trade your stamp collection instead. Important lesson from an Aquarius!
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Been feeling all tuckered out? Do something fun! Impersonating visiting royalty from a non-English-speaking country will get you some free meals! Maybe ice cream! Don't go too far, though, or you'll end up in the tabloids. A Gemini poses a serious question.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Put down that chainsaw! Turn off the particle accelerator! Leave the exploding pudding cups at home! Right now, a practical joke could open an energy vortex into another dimension. Instead of pranks, maybe try some of those Random Acts of Kindness? You'll clash with an Aries this week.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): You lead a full, exciting life, don't you? Well, it's going to be even more interesting when a freak accident gives you a superpower: The ability to Talk to Fish! Some of them may even obey you! Imagine how much better Life will be! Borrow money from a Sagittarius.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Heads up! You're in for a bit of bad luck with child-proof caps, electronic devices, and things falling from the sky. Wear a helmet. Stay indoors. Watch TV (or if that gives out, just read a book)! Ask a Capricorn for advice!
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Who's that over by the pudding cups? Beware! That attractive stranger flirting with you in the grocery store is trying to set you up to take the fall in a counterfeit antiquities scam. Be friendly, but don't "invest" any money. Trade secrets with a Libra.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Know any channelers? Or perhaps you'd like to dabble in channeling yourself? A 6,000-year-old entity will give you some good advice, but don't buy anything from him! You could be just channeling a conman from Hoboken. A Pisces will play mind games.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Bad News! You'll lose your keys! A loved one will be possessed by an ancient Evil Entity! You don't have to kill him or her, though, just get one of those Demon-B-Gon kits at the pharmacy. And look for your keys in your coat pocket. Things may not turn out so bad, after all. You'll find affinity with a Virgo this week!
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Life Is A Mystery! Your work and home lives blur in strange ways. Pretend that you know nothing about the Illuminati, the Freemasons and the Secret Organization of Guys Named Doug. And don't tell anyone your horoscope told you that. Ignore advice from a Libra.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Be Happy! Don't let a bout of moodiness cause poor judgment when a charming orthodontist offers to whisk you away on an international vacation spree (nobody mentions the relentless sales pitch to buy a timeshare yurt until the ship leaves port). Take soap. Repay favors to a Leo.
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN JANUARY:
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Saturn sails you into a delightful year for exploring the exciting world of HATS! Yes, your experimentation with a variety of headwear will lead to success like never before. Any previous belief about not being able to wear hats will be cast aside when you admire yourself in everything from turbans to tiaras. So start the year by donning a nice hat, sitting by a cheery fire with a hot beverage, and dwelling on all your regrettable mistakes made last year. The next twelve months will also bring the finding of lost receipts, receiving errant text messages, and getting pleasant surprises at Thai restaurants. Avoid lycanthropes and claims adjusters. And wear your hats with pride!
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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I'm a loathsome tentacle-headed alien god, come here to Earth to build an empire of worshippers, but it's just not working! Every time I appear to a coven of dark practitioners (in a huge burst of flame and oily smoke, naturally), they're all like "Cthulhu! Cthulhu has awoken!" and I'm like "No, I'm Shazzorthogzealmanonuroth the Awful!" So they're all "Shazbot-lee-roth? Never heard of you." Talk about a blow to the ego!
Even if I make some of them contort in Horrid Paroxysms of Pain until they all agree to worship me, I can tell their hearts really aren't in it. The ichor-dripping monstrosities they summon to do my bidding are feeble, and wouldn't terrify a child. And as soon as I leave to find other worshippers, they go back to whatever they were doing and forget about me. It's so depressing.
I figured I should learn more about my competition, so I forced some grad students to tell me about this Cthulhu. What a sweet deal he's got! All he does is sleep at the bottom of the ocean, and he's got legions of cult members and a host of grotesque spawn to do his bidding. Sure, he's suppose to rule the world someday, but he hasn't even done anything yet. It's just not fair.
I mean, I'm here, I'm perfectly hideous in my own right, and yet I'm not getting a slice of the pie. What can I do to win some of the fearsomely-malignant-tentacled-god-worshipper demographic over to my side?
-- Shazzorthogzealmanonuroth the Awful, now of Earth
Dear Shazzorthogzealmanonuroth,
Of all the planets in all the galaxies, you pick the one where someone's already snagged the "Evil Corpulent Octopoid Deity" job! What bad luck!
I'd like to offer you some comforting words, but you face a difficult uphill battle. Humans put tremendous stock in brand recognition. For example, numerous companies on this planet produce brownish carbonated beverages that taste like artificially-sweetened battery acid. However, only two makers of these "cola" products dominate the market, and while these behemoths fight a never-ending cola war, the other manufacturers scramble for the tiny leftover scraps of market share and try to avoid being crushed by the battling leviathans. The odd thing is that consumers really can't tell the difference between the products (nor does anyone actually enjoy cola flavor), but everybody's latched onto one major brand or the other as their beverage of choice, and no off-brand can compete. It's just the way we are. Sorry.
This leaves you in an awkward position. You could hire a big PR firm and campaign for name-recognition of your own, but unless you can show some clear superiority over your competition, it will be a tough sell to wrestle cult members away from their Tentacled God of Choice. You could pretend to be Cthulhu, but that will cause major problems when that sleeping deity awakens and finds an imposter hogging the glory. Are you open to a career change? Lots of modern corporations have places for the morally flexible. I suspect, however, than while you might temporarily enjoy denying insurance claims or collecting on high-interest payday loans, these jobs won't be quite evil enough to satisfy you in the long run.
Your best bet is to relocate. It's a big Universe, and I'm sure there's a place for you out there. Wouldn't you be happier with a planet where your cultish worshippers eagerly accept your unwholesome rule, rather than always being known as "the tentacled god that isn't Cthulhu?" It may take quite a bit of time to find another suitable world for you to dominate, but what's Time to an Immortal Being? Boldly go to where Shazzorthogzealmanonuroth is the choice of the New Generation!
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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