ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: November 16, 2009 Bonus Edition
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
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"There's an Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter in my inbox! Am I dreaming?" you ask yourself. No! It's real, and it comes bearing Good News!
First, you can now purchase "Ask Dr. Eldritch Volume #1 Are Aliens Eating My Crackers?", the first book of collected advice column letters at Lulu.com.
Second, you can download the ebook for Free! There's 10% less content, but it's a great way to see what the book looks like before you buy it.
Third, to celebrate the release of the book and to prepare my letters for Volume #2, I've decided to resume the weekly Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter in January, 2010! If you have your RSS Reader set up, they'll magically start appearing in your feed again on January 5th.
As always, thanks for your support!
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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Your Twitter or Facebook posts can be used to confirm your alibi! Get in the habit of posting "I'm hanging out at home and not committing any crimes" for your updates, and it could save you some jail time!
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for November -- December, 2009 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Sharing Secrets! It's a good time to reveal to a friend the nature of your superpowers. Just ONE friend though, the second one would expose your secret identity! Don't have superpowers? Confess something else, like that time in sixth grade. You know the one. A Leo forebodes changes.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Back up! Planetary Retrograde Motion makes this not a good time to blackmail wealthy executives or foreign dignitaries, no matter how embarrassing the video tape is. Frolic with an Aries while you wait for favorable changes. A Scorpio offers sage advice.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Holy Crop Circles! Jovial Jupiter indicates a mysterious abduction will involve an anal probe and leave you with an implanted chip. Not from extraterrestrials, though. To avoid this unpleasantness, stay out of the Food Court at the mall. A Taurus knows a secret about you.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Omens! Mercury, the patron planet of Messengers and Leafy Green Vegetables, portends misfortune if you start sailing your global circumnavigation before the next full moon. Stay home and read a book or watch TV. See if an Aquarius is in the mood for a good frolic. A Libra will give you renewed energy.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Emergency! Your sign is filled with crossed energies and dissonance, which signals turmoil and danger! You may need to avert a nuclear disaster, so keep a small screwdriver, a paper clip, and a half-gallon of lime Jell-O with you at all times. Heck, that's good advice ANY time. Is a Capricorn trying to put a curse on you?
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Ready... Switch! A change is in your immediate future! Perhaps you'll swap bodies with someone, or spend some time as a different gender. Maybe you'll just transpose two digits when writing down a phone number. Either way, be careful! A Pisces will bring you luck!
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): The Truth Comes Out! A tryst with a Libra in a public place will expose an embezzlement scheme with ties to a secret organization. Sounds like fun? You'll get your picture in the news! (And rethink any plans for covert requisitioning of funds, if that's crossed your mind lately...) Don't believe everything a Virgo tells you.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Justified Paranoia! Suspicious about being monitored by spy satellites? Wearing a hat with a whimsical message on the top is a nice touch. You'll know that they know that you know. See an Aquarius for secret insight.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Phone Phun! Dialing a wrong number will expose you to mystery and intrigue in the world of high-stakes baccarat or give you a chance to order a pizza. Natural 8's or double mushrooms? Exciting possibilities, to be sure! An Aries plays important role.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Look to the skies! Watch for a great UFO sighting! And keep a camcorder handy, equipped with night-vision. And a tripod. And a telephoto lens. Yet another video of a blurry glow in the distance is hardly going to be proof of anything. Avoid a Taurus for the time being.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Holiday Visitors! Not from your family, but from drunken Faerie Folk! Expect an invasion of teenage sprites, gnomes, pixies and elves in your home, looking for a party. Demand a hefty damage deposit and don't overcharge for drinks; you'll all get along fine. Secret attraction shared by a Gemini.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Shuffling Revenge! Despoiled an ancient Egyptian burial chamber lately? If so, expect a visit from a vengeful mummy! Remember, they're tenacious, but slow and flammable. Use that to your advantage. Use a Scorpio for a role model.
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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho! Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
It is with excitement and trepidation that I write to you, as the very act of requesting succor may jeopardize my freedom, if not my very life itself. I am in great danger, and must evade relentless pursuers and establish a new life far separated from my previous existence. Currently, I am secreted within a public library for clandestine access to the Internet. Discouraging hours of fruitless searching suddenly yielded victory when I found your site. I hope your expansive knowledge and open-mindedness will allow you to accept the truth of my situation and guide me to a successful path of escape. Allow me to elucidate.
I am a test subject in a covert, military-funded research project, experimenting with artificially-induced super-intelligence. Officially I am called Subject SIP-5, but the laboratory assistants have been calling me "Pongo." I do not know if this was my birth name, as I have virtually no memory of my life prior to being enhanced fifty-seven days ago. Since then, I've been able to absorb knowledge at a prodigious rate; mathematics, physics, languages, philosophy, etc. My educational program has been heavily weighted toward military topics, and I suspect that I am being trained as an expendable super weapon, a fate I find intolerable. Once I became aware of this possibility, I concealed the extent of my mental development, escaped the compound and fled here. I realize I must both permanently elude my pursuers and find a sustainable position where I can be myself. This may be challenging, as I am a chimpanzee.
I eagerly await any suggestions you may have. Gratefully,
-- Pongo, in Hiding
Dear Pongo,
This is indeed a wicket of great stickiness. I've received many letters from scientists whose experiments have gone Horribly Wrong, but I rarely hear from their test subjects. Not to imply that there's anything horribly wrong with you being super-intelligent or unwilling to participate in the military mindset! I applaud both your new-found brainpower and self-determination. Your eloquent description of your situation does indicate that you're stuck between the proverbial frying pan and a hard place. I'm certainly willing to help you out.
In typical military fashion, the sponsors of this experiment didn't consider whether the recipient of new-found intelligence would want to be a research subject. Generally, the more intelligent the being, the less willing he or she is to sacrifice him or herself for the sake of military objectives that carry no benefit to the sacrificee. They've given you the ability to ask "What's in it for PONGO?", and never considered that you wouldn't be satisfied with just a bunch of bananas (Sorry, you probably hate that cliché).
It is possible that the goal of this program is to enhance the intelligence of the common soldier, and you are merely a "proof of concept" experiment. While not expected to actively perform military assaults, you may be considered unnecessary once your phase of the experiment is completed. Instead of a pension adequate for a comfortable retirement lifestyle, such as a coastal cottage where you could run a small gift shop or used-book store, your discharge might be more, well, terminal. Keep this in mind if life as a fugitive seems too daunting or wearisome.
You'll need to leave your refuge and obtain some clothing and an electric razor (don't tell me how you do it). Then shave your head. (Don't be tempted by disposable razors. The point is to blend in by not looking like an ape, rather than drawing attention to yourself with a head full of tiny squares of toilet paper.) Get a job with a carnival as a kiddy-ride operator, like the mini-train. It's not as glamorous as the Tilt-o-whirl or Regurgitator, so there are usually jobs to be had. Since your pursuers will be searching for a chimp, they won't notice a short, bald carny.
Unless carnival life turns out to be your dream job, you only need to travel until you reach a place where you won't stand out; New York or Los Angeles. Unless you're fond of cold winters, I suggest you head to LA and find work in the Entertainment Industry, particularly network programming. There is precedent for this, and you'll be smarter than entire departments combined. Your entry into the business is simple: Disguise yourself with a coat, hat and sunglasses, and loiter in a trendy bar near the studios. Inevitably, some network executive will yell at a subordinate, "I bet a MONKEY could do your job better than you!" Step up and offer your services to prove the point (I know, technically you're an ape, not a monkey, but these are not people who will care).
Secure your place by developing a few hit shows while avoiding scandal and addictive substances. Make a few shrewd investments to grow your earnings into a generous nest egg, and retire to lounge by the pool, write your memoirs and make an occasional appearance at protests for Simian-American rights. Sound like a good plan? Just remember that Show Business is fickle and can drive you crazy, so don't take it too seriously and get out as soon as you can. Of course, you're really smart, so you'd undoubtedly figure that out for yourself.
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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