Ask Dr. Eldritch

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Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho! Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Ask Dr. Eldritch Voices     I'm writing not to ask for advice, but to offer my services. I communicate with dead people! I can help you out. If you have any questions for those who have passed over to the Great Beyond, I'll ask them and relay back the answers to you! I won't even charge you for this, as I consider it a service to Humanity.

As you probably know, the spirits of the deceased have little power in this world. But they can imprint their voices in the static of a video or tape recording. Usually people don't hear these messages, because they're so faint and need some preparation to hear properly. For example, I went to this old house that everyone said was haunted. I set up my equipment in a quiet room and asked if there were any Beings there, and if they had a message for the Living. I turned on my reel-to-reel and recorded for two hours. I didn't hear anything on forward playback at normal speed, but when I listened to it backward at 9/16ths speed, boosted the volume to the max, filtered out four frequency ranges (to eliminate static, motor noise, power-supply hum and transmissions from space), and played it over a quadraphonic system from the 70's with channels 1 and 4 turned down, I heard a message from a spirit being! To the untrained it sounds like so much mumbling, but I've had a lot of practice interpreting what's said across the Mystical Border to the Next Life, and here's what I heard:

TIME     WHAT WAS SAID
0:21:53 - Nuoahammabobop.
0:33:02 - Aaaaaaahh... foreign waffle.
1:01:43 - All Boise ill for circus!
1:17:19 - Flee ur snuffy devil... hop, haaaaaaaaawwp... lick the (unintelligible).
1:53:58 - Eeeeeeeeevillllll... YOGHURT!

I interpret this as a warning from an entity named Nuoahammabobop. He's predicting a major tragedy, perhaps an attack by Belgian terrorists, entering the country from Canada disguised as traveling entertainers to spread a bio-weapon in the Pacific Northwest through contaminated diary products. I've tried to alert the authorities, but they don't seem to be taking me seriously. I thought you might get more respect, being an established consultant and advice columnist.

Let me know if you want my help with anything!

-- Dave, from Sedona

Dear Dave,
    I see; you're here to help me. And I might be so pleased with our new-found collaboration that I would naturally champion your cause with the authorities, hmm? As they say in Hollywood, don't call me, I'll have my minions call you.

What you're experiencing appears at first blush to be a case of Cryptic Divination Syndrome. Common among ancient prophecies, fortune tellers, and mysterious entities, CDS occurs when a mystical prognostication borders upon incomprehensible. The reader is to assume that his lack of understanding is his fault; his brain is too puny to comprehend the greatness before him. Like counter-culture poetry from the 70's, once the "awe" wears off, the audience realizes what they just heard was gibberish. But nobody wants to be the first one to say it, just in case they're wrong! Like a bunch of naked emperors not talking about the elephant in the room.

Another good example is Nostradamus (you may have heard of him). Amazing ancient predictions, right? What most people don't know that he and some drinking buddies regularly played a game where they wrote obscure yet real-sounding auguries in quatrain form, and the winner got an inflated pig's bladder (apparently that was quite a desirable prize in 1560). They were never meant to be shared outside that group, but when a publisher waved huge amounts of money in front of him, Nostradamus (or "Mikey D" to his "homies") suddenly felt a duty to future generations. His modern advocates claim he's fabulously accurate, but you know that quatrain that supposedly foretold the Pet Rock? Read that one and ask yourself "Couldn't this be actually predicting Paris Hilton?" You'll see what I mean.

In my experience, the prophets, soothsayers and ethereal entities who actually have something useful to say don't couch it in awkward rhymes or hide it in electronic noise. They speak plainly, and it's not their fault that most people ignore them in favor of charlatans with better showmanship.

But back to you; I believe your problem is actually a common affliction known as "Too Much Free Time." Instead of spending hours and hours listening to random mumblings on a nearly-blank tape, take a walk! Go out with some friends! Interact with other human beings, even if it's just talking about "American Idol!" How many people look back on their life and say "I wish I had spent more time listening to the incoherent mumblings of what might possibly be a supernatural being but were probably meaningless fluctuations of electronic media?" Don't be one of them! If you turn your attention to the living, I predict you'll meet more interesting people than if you devote your life to chasing the ghost in the machine.

There, I've told your fortune, and I won't charge you for it, as it really is a Service to Humanity.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-Dr. Eldritch

 
(DISCLAIMER: Anyone intelligent enough to be reading this should understand 1) Satire, and 2) That following the advice given may result in physical, mental, or spiritual harm to beings living, dead, or undead. The author does not suggest that anyone other that the originator of any given letter follow his advice, and cannot be held liable if anyone else does.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS! THINK FOR YOURSELF! DON'T DO STUPID THINGS THAT MAKE THESE DISCLAIMERS NECESSARY!
If you need more, read this Advanced Disclaimer!) All content © 2011 Evan Nichols