Ask Dr. Eldritch

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Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho! Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Ask Dr. Eldritch Killdroid     I'm on the fast track to becoming the world's most feared supervillain, but I'm having problems with my girlfriend. I recently got my Ph.D. in Global Domination. Knowing that I needed some real-world experience, I started with terrorizing a small, rural town. For six months I've led an awesome campaign of extortion and graffiti, and have even defeated a few local superhero-wannabes. A poll in the neighborhood shopping gazette rated me as the second-most feared local citizen (#1 was a lawyer, no surprise there!). My secret plan to become #1 is nearly complete!

It was, anyway, until another supervillain moved into town. He had no education or qualifications, aside from some time as a minion with a big-city league of villains. He even called himself "The Ferret," as if being some sort of weasel is scary! Out of professional courtesy, I went to his lair to talk. I explained how I was already here, and suggested that there were many other comparable towns without any resident villains. He got all huffy and went on about how it's his turf now, so I took back my gift basket and left (in hindsight, I should have left it there; it's not like I'M going to eat a basket of poisoned muffins.)

The next day, I answer the doorbell, hoping it was delivery of a 1923 Littleton celluloid pen (yes, I'm an avid rare-pen collector!), but instead, there's a gorgeous woman at the door. Before I can say anything, she whips out a ray gun, cobalt-plasma I believe, from her purse and tries to blast me with it! Luckily, it malfunctioned, giving me time to drop the portcullis on her. It turned out she was a killbot android, and it wasn't hard to guess who had sent her. I gathered my robotic minions, and we took care of Mr. Ferret (which reminds me, any tips on cleaning out an acid vat?)

That night, I'm dreaming that I've conquered the world, and am being greeted by the defeated leaders of every country, but instead of cheering, they start going "Zzzp! Zzzzt! Zzzzpt!" I woke up and there's the killbot again! Seems it reassembled itself in the dumpster, but wasn't able to fix the ray gun that it was trying to blast me with. I released the tiger, and the killbot jumped out the window to escape, smashing itself up when it hit the ground. But by the time I got the tiger back into his pen, she was gone.

Since then, I can't get rid of her! I've tried pit traps, super-conducting magnets, exploding decoys, and even an experimental electro-pulse cannon (which caused a county-wide blackout; my bad!), but she's always managed to rebuild herself and attack again. Her tenacity is amazing, but one night, my girlfriend arrived just as the killbot was fleeing from my quantum-disrupter beam. Well, right away she starts in with the questions; who was that woman? What was she doing here? Why are her clothes all torn up like that? I explained, but I don't think she bought it. Since then, I can't leave the lair without my girlfriend wanting to know where I'm going and who I'm going to be with. Every time the killbot shows up, she gets mad at me! Unless you have a better suggestion, I'm going to ORDER her to believe me. What else can I do to convince her that my relationship with this killbot is strictly professional?

-- Evil Dr. Hamsterstein

Dear Dr. Ham...,
    Excuse me? "Hamsterstein?" Look, I'm sure that's written on your diploma and you're proud of it, but you might want to consider a name change before you go Big Time. No offense, but if you're going to be an evil force, you don't want to be called something that makes people giggle. It just ruins the moment.

But back to the matter at hand: Order your girlfriend to believe you? You may be educated, but that's not very smart. And as much as I would love to counsel you on your relationship, you have bigger problems. After all those unsuccessful assassination attempts, you may be assuming that Ms. Killbot is not a threat. Granted, the repeated use of a non-functioning weapon speaks better for her tenacity than her adaptability, but that's not the point. She's likely to be your downfall.

Look at the big picture; you're a supervillain (in training, anyway), you have a lair, and a variety of exotic gizmos and weapons. You've recently performed an act of capricious malevolence, demonstrating how terrible you are. And your secret plan is near fruition; you are ripe to be taken down by a hero! Your light's turned on and your metaphorical waffle is cooked! Your toast has popped! Your eggs are fried to perfection (BRB I need to eat something.... Okay, I'm back). Point is, you're DONE!

You probably won't believe me (most villains have oversized hubris glands) but here's what's going to happen: Your recent escapades will get the attention of a superhero, or one in training. He or she will attempt to thwart your Evil Plan. You'll spar back and forth until you get the upper hand, threatening the hero with an elaborate death (laser-equipped sharks, or such). Just at a critical moment, the killbot will make another attack. This machina ex machina provides the necessary distraction that allows the superhero to escape, defeat you, and cause your lair to explode, collapse, or whatever is trendy these days. Don't be so confident that you don't have a good escape plan!

As for your girlfriend, I'm surprised you haven't just used hypnosis or a memory wipe (not that I'd condone those, obviously). She knows you're trying to be a supervillain, you'd think she'd expect it. You have told her you're evil, haven't you? Perhaps you need to have a long talk or a session with a couples therapist. Remember, even Global Domination is not so important that you can't make time for your Significant Other!

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch

(DISCLAIMER: Anyone intelligent enough to be reading this should understand 1) Satire, and 2) That following the advice given may result in physical, mental, or spiritual harm to beings living, dead, or undead. The author does not suggest that anyone other that the originator of any given letter follow his advice, and cannot be held liable if anyone else does.
If you need more, read this Advanced Disclaimer!) All content © 2010 Evan Nichols