Ask Dr. Eldritch

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Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho! Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Ask Dr. Eldritch Alien Invaders     I be Xygothor, Chief Advisor to Phingasht, Supreme Ruler of Lapaeria, and soon to be emperor of your planet! We prepare to invade your planet from our dimension, and are willing to offer you much goodness in exchange for helpness. We are a race of wealth and comfort, but we need slaves to perform the menial tasks that are beneath us. Our might has grown so much, no more slaves can be found on Lapaeria. After great searches, we found your planet, full of future slaves for us.

Our sciencers have studied your ways, and we have much knowing of you puny humans. Unlike you, we do not fight among ourselves. We know you are split into many countries and cannot understand each other. We have even analyzed your ideal feed and know it to be fermented malt beverages and the food you call pizza.

Do not fear! We do not wish to harm any humans, merely to make them serve us. If you tell us best way to control humans, much lives will be saved and you will be given many reward. You not be a slave, but a Lapaerian citizen.

Do not wait! Our invasion is imminent! All hail Phingasht!

-- Xygothor of Lapaeria

Dear Xygothor,
    Sorry, Big Guy, seems like you need to whip the languagers until they eagerly volunteer for some overtime. Your grasp of English isn't as mighty as you think. Let me see if I follow your offer: If I help you, I'll be a traitor to my race and an outsider citizen. Well, nothing like being hated by both sides! Imagine my excite.

If I seem a tad cynical, it's because I get offers like this frequently. I might be more interested if any of the previous potential invaders ever managed to successfully accomplish the three basic recommendations I give to those who want to conquer humans:

1. If you feel you must enslave humanity, try a pilot project first with a small advance team. Practice on the remote areas known as Idaho and Montana. You'll find groups of people dressed in mottled green clothing running around in the woods. Tell them you've come to enslave them. They've been expecting you.

2. If that goes well, head south to a large city in the desert known as Las Vegas. This is a excellent place to relax and unwind with what we call "Gaming." Sounds fun, right? Borrow a bunch of human dollars and "game" for a while. Don't worry if you lose all of your money and need to borrow more. They're very understanding about that.

3. Most importantly, convert all of your computer systems to Windows operating system, starting with the most critical ones. Don't bother with the latest releases, an older version is fine. Set up for remote access, file sharing, ActiveX scripting and XML so you can communicate amongst yourselves and then get high-speed Internet access. Oh yes, don't be tricked into buying "firewalls," "virus protection" or "service packs!" Those are just expensive extras sold to gullible buyers. Don't worry, the Internet's perfectly safe.

My best advice for your situation is: Don't. Humans can accept being manipulated and controlled, as long as they believe they have freedom. We don't like being enslaved. Even with a steady diet of beer and pizza, the shackles chafe, and sooner or later there would be an uprising. We won't be so particular about you getting hurt in the process.

I know the elite dislike any suggestion that involves separating them from any of their wealth, but have you considered hiring some humans to do the menial tasks? Don't scrimp; offer attractive wage and benefit packages. Give bonuses for the dirty and dangerous jobs. There's a reason my language doesn't have a word for "Revolt by the comfortable working class that's being paid fair wages with reasonable health coverage and reliable retirement investment opportunities." Hiring employees instead of taking slaves may mean the top 1% of the population will only control a mere 75% of the wealth instead of 95%, but how many mansions do you need? The morning you wake up to an angry mob crashing down your door, you won't be thinking "I'm glad I bought a second yacht instead of paying a living wage!" So what sounds better, a more equitable division of wealth, or being greedy until they put your head on a pike?

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch

(DISCLAIMER: Anyone intelligent enough to be reading this should understand 1) Satire, and 2) That following the advice given may result in physical, mental, or spiritual harm to beings living, dead, or undead. The author does not suggest that anyone other that the originator of any given letter follow his advice, and cannot be held liable if anyone else does.
If you need more, read this Advanced Disclaimer!) All content © 2010 Evan Nichols