Dear Readers,
While my aversion to questions about romance and relationships is legendary, I do make exceptions on occasion, primarily to reduce the near-constant barrage of queries I receive about how to find, keep, win back or punish a desired romantic partner. Since pair-bonding is one the strongest natural drives, I would be remiss if I did not offer my wisdom on the matter, and what better time than the Most Romantic Holiday of All? Even though Valentine's Day has been hijacked by the triumvirate of Floral Distributors, Candy Manufacturers and Greeting Card Publishers, at its core is a celebration one of our longest-standing traditions: Mating.

Until now, romantic partners had no reliable means of determining whether they were truly compatible. Online dating services have tried. Countless magazines have offered myriad quizzes intended to evaluate the potential success of any given relationship, but they've relied on useless questions like, "Do you have similar family values?" or "Do you both like Mudkips?" Obviously, if any of these questionnaires actually worked, readers of these magazines would achieve happy, long-term relationships, and no longer buy those magazines. (It's possible that those quizzes are therefore intentionally designed to initiate pairings doomed to failure, thereby ensuring the ongoing purchase of more magazines, but I dislike speculating on such cynical conspiracy theories.)

While no quiz is ever perfect, the following is the most successful diagnostic tool for evaluating the romantic compatibility of relationship partners (NOTE: This quiz is designed for two human partners. While it can be used for multiple partners, or human-monster relationships, the results may not be as accurate for these combinations.)

HOW TO TAKE THIS QUIZ:

Both partners read the Qualifier paragraphs for Quiz A and Quiz B, and secretly write down whether the qualifier for Quiz A or Quiz B best describes them. When both partners have made their choice, reveal them to each other at the same time. In the unlikely event that both partners have chosen the same section, each partner quickly ranks each listed item from 1 to 10 (where 1 = No Interest, and 10 = Completely Overwhelming Obsession), and sums up the totals. The partner with the highest total takes that section. If you spend more than an hour arguing about this step, then you have your answer, and don't need to take this quiz at all.

Separately, each partner takes his or her section of the quiz. Best results will be obtained if you answer the questions honestly. Select the answer that is most true for you. If you can't answer a question, just guess.

QUIZ A
Qualifier: To be taken by the partner who likes (or has the greater appreciation for): relationship quizzes, figure skating, chainsaws, phrenology, bonsai trees, monster trucks, Generally Accepted Accounting Principles, ninjas, hand puppets, acoustical tile, jazz, felt, robots, hors d'oeuvres and/or archery.

QUESTIONS:
1. My idea of a perfect date would include:
A. A romantic exchange of office supplies.
B. Candles, incense, chanting and the simulated ritual sacrifice of a stuffed animal.
C. Blasting zombies with a shotgun.
D. Waterslides.

2. The statement that is MOST true for me:
A. Western Civilization has been in decline for the past 4,000 years.
B. I'm upset because my taxes pay for warfare.
C. I'm upset because my taxes pay for welfare.
D. Look over there! Is that a rabbit?

3. I watch movies to:
A. Forget.
B. Remember.
C. Feel smugly superior for not buying into the lies of Popular Culture.
D. Improve glandular function.

4. When describing myself, I'm most likely to use the word:
A. Diurnal
B. Insoluble
C. Fiduciary
D. Throbbing

5. Of these four creatures, I think the most awesome one is:
A. A Giant Prehistoric Penguin with Laser Flippers.
B. A CyberUnicorn.
C. A Superchromatron Echidna.
D. A Turtle.

6. Of these choices, I spend the most time:
A. Covertly mocking complete strangers.
B. Alphabetizing my groceries.
C. Questing for mythical creatures.
D. Causing paradoxes in the Space-Time Continuum.

7. The Most Perfect Food:
A. Tacos.
B. Pizza.
C. Waffles.
D. Anything deep-fried, with cheese.

8. If I could change my childhood, I would have been:
A. Raised by a tribe of feral mimes.
B. Hatched from a giraffe egg.
C. The world's youngest champion at show-jumping video games.
D. Belgian.

9. I am justifiably embarrassed by:
A. The amount of effort I am willing to expend to extract the last of the toothpaste in the tube.
B. My fascination with the vanity license plates owned by the world's best postmasters.
C. My encyclopedic knowledge of boy bands.
D. My certainty that I should be the Ultimate Ruler of Everything.

10. I would LEAST like to meet an untimely demise in the following manner:
A. Mocked to death by clowns.
B. Falling into a rotoscope.
C. Trapped in an elevator between two rival gangs of corporate trainers.
D. Sublimation.

QUIZ B
Qualifier: To be taken by the partner who likes (or has the greater appreciation for): drawing-room comedies, pancakes, mycology, skydiving, Internet memes, smelting, kittens, dirigibles, internal combustion engines, object-oriented languages, pirates, rugby, astronomy, explosives and/or interpretive dance.

QUESTIONS:
1. My best feature is my:
A. Ontology.
B. Krebs Cycle.
C. Theme song.
D. Taxonomy.

2. I am attracted to people with very large:
A. Thermographs.
B. Lexicons.
C. Tubers.
D. Gastropods.

3. My favorite source of information is:
A. Cereal boxes.
B. Snapple caps.
C. Advertising jingles.
D. Telepathic ants.

4. I would LEAST like to meet an untimely demise in the following manner:
A. Excoriated by caustic sarcasm.
B. Self-probity.
C. Being licked to death by butterflies.
D. High-velocity Frottage.

5. The sentence that I am most likely to use in a conversation is:
A. Bears are the Most Awesome Animal EVER!!
B. I wish I had the confidence to start a thimble collection.
C. Where the HELL are my pants?
D. Honestly, Officer, it was like that when I got here.

6. My idea of a perfect date would include:
A. Spirited debate on the efficacy of international trade agreements.
B. Sweaty sex in the back of a cement mixer.
C. Live-trapping mimes for convenient tattooing.
D. Achieving escape velocity.

7. What word do your friends use most often when describing you?
A. Ominiacron
B. Lorthubial
C. Pallahaxic
D. Sarthemorian

8. The greatest invention of the twentieth century is the:
A. Antiseptic telephone.
B. Nuclear flashlight.
C. Self-guided spoon.
D. Sonic stapler.

9. Choose:
A. Even though I was lost in the desert, I still had my library card.
B. Tea cakes, a pot of Earl Grey and chainmail.
C. To reduce the chance of suffocation, stay away from small children.
D. I don't believe in all Conspiracy Theories, just the ones that are true.

10. The best part of the Future will be:
A. The greatly-expanded list of forbidden dances.
B. Self-activating contraceptives.
C. The quantum telegraph.
D. Robot kittens.

SCORING THIS QUIZ:

Using the Scoring Sheet below, write the letters from Person A's answers down the left column. Then write the letters from Person B's answers in the center column.

       A     B   POINTS
1.    __   __    ____
2.    __   __    ____
3.    __   __    ____
4.    __   __    ____
5.    __   __    ____
6.    __   __    ____
7.    __   __    ____
8.    __   __    ____
9.    __   __    ____
10.  __   __    ____

TOTAL:        _____

Add up all the points, and compare your total to this analysis below:

101 Points or Greater: Your math skills are in need of improvement. Please try again!

100 Points: Perfect Compatibility! As a couple, you're as good as it gets. Friends probably look at you two and marvel at how well you get along. You may even be one of those annoying couples who wear matching outfits or will finish each other's sentences in conversations at parties. This is not to say that you won't ever have difficulties, but you have the potential to work through whatever problems arise. Good on you!

63 - 99 Points: You've Chosen Wisely! Despite all the conflicting social influences you've been subjected to, the two of you have managed to find someone with a high degree of compatibility. You'll still notice each other's annoying quirks and idiosyncrasies (you know which ones I mean), but if you can manage to put up with them, you'll do quite well. If you're not feeling this concordance, you should probably see a therapist.

3 - 62 Points: You're Normal! Honestly, since most people don't take this test prior to starting a relationship, it's all pretty much luck of the draw. You obviously have something that brings you together, whether it's a shared love of whimsical figurines or embarrassing bodily functions. Build on that, and work to find agreement in areas that cause friction. Negotiated Compromise is your greatest ally; you may not always agree on who should wear the panda costume, but you may be satisfied with taking turns.

0 Points: Wow. This really shouldn't ever happen. Yet the very fact that you are together is a testament to the Human Spirit! I mean, you're in a relationship against all odds, so you must be the one-in-a-billion couple that can make it work! Congratulations, and Good Luck!

Please direct all complaints and disagreements about the results of this quiz to your respective Congresspersons. Thanks, and Happy Valentine's Day!

-- Dr. Eldritch