Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Apparently I had a great-uncle that I never knew about until he died and I'm like his only family, so I've inherited this huge estate and money and stuff. The only problem is that there's a clause in his will that I don't get anything unless I spend at least one night in the mansion. I talked to the people in the nearby village, and they all say the place is haunted. I want the money, but I've got a bad feeling about being in the house at night. What should I do?

-- Uncertain in Bangor

Dear Uncertain,

Ah, Maine, the nexus of supernatural evil! Anywhere else, I'd say your odds of an actual haunted house were about 50-50, but if it's in Maine, well, treat it as a certainty. There are several things I always recommend to those being forced to overnight where the wild things are:

1. Take friends. Actually, take people that you don't like, because most of them won't survive. This may seem callous, but every minute that evil entities are gnawing the bones of your non-friends is one less minute that they're chasing you.

2. Don't have sex! Don't take anyone you've ever slept with, and under no circumstances have sex with anyone while in the house, no matter how hot they are or how much they're coming on to you! I can't stress this enough. Remember this little rhyme: To Mate is to Doom Your Fate.

3. Arm yourself. The handy poker or kitchen knife is woefully under-powered against ichor-dripping fangs. Silver is your best friend here, and it's not just for vampires anymore. A 12-gauge, short-barrel shotgun with silver double-aught is an ideal close-quarters anti-evil weapon. Most gunsmiths in Maine have a supply of shells under the counter, no questions asked. Take a couple backup weapons, including some blades, for when things get personal.

4. Night vision. The military's biggest gift to creature-of-the-night combat. The lights always seems to go out right before things get nasty, so be ready for them. An added bonus is that ghosts barely register in night-vision goggles, but demonic creatures are readily visible. Why is this important? True ghosts are non-corporeal, and can't affect physical objects. Sure, they can take a form and make sounds that will scare you so badly your grandchildren will be born shaking, but they can't grab, bite, claw, or rend you. So the best thing is to ignore them, and with night vision, you can hardly see them. It's the demonic entities that you need to worry about, and they show up just fine in your night-vision scope.

5. Prepare your house during the daytime. Unless the will has a clause you didn't mention prohibiting altering the house, spend some time in the days preceding your nocturnal visit getting ready. Choose the best area to set up defenses, one with a good escape route if things get too hot (consider removing the front door for the duration!). In the rest of the house, barricade all the doors and windows, especially to attic and basement. Cover the walls of your safe zone with heavy plywood, and block all extraneous access points. If you have a source, claymore mines can be your best friend.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch