Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Help! A weird vortex thing sucked me back into the Past! Well, for you it's the Present, so I guess I should say I'm from The Future (about 75 years from now). Make sense? I'm still a bit confused about it all.

I've been here a couple weeks so far, trying to figure out why I'm here, and more importantly, how to get back to my own time. I'm avoiding contact with other people, figuring that if I made even a small change in this time, it could alter the future in a big way, which sounds bad. But I think I may have messed that up already.

I was lonely, so I went to a club, and I started talking to one of the exotic dancers. We had such a good time that I walked her home. Nothing else happened, I swear! But her fiancé found out, and they had a big fight about it, and instead of going away for the weekend like they had planned, he went to work on a day he wasn't supposed to be there, and a scaffolding collapsed and he got killed (it really was an accident! And I feel terrible about it).

The creepy thing is I think she's my great-grandmother! Right now she's twenty years old and doesn't look like anybody's grandmother. Mom always told me that her grandmother was a lawyer named Dorothy, so when DeeDee said she's just dancing to put herself through law school, I put two and two together. I wonder though, if I've killed my great-grandfather, shouldn't I disappear or something? Have I messed up the Future? It would be a real bummer if I destroy the Fabric of Time and Space.

-- Mr. Future

p.s. -- I don't have any money to pay you, but I WILL say that you're very well known in the future for investing in alternate energy, hint, hint…

Dear Mr. Future,

I really wish you people wouldn't fool with the Time-Space Continuum, I've got my quantum VCR set to tape next year's episodes of the "Simpsons," and it messes up the reception. I know, you didn't mean to get sucked back into the present (well, our Present, your Past (Congress has staunchly ignored my repeated requests for better terminology for people who travel through time, so we'll just muddle through)). The good news is that back in my University days, I took a course on the impacts of Time Travel. Even though I missed a few sessions (seriously, who goes to every class during Spring term?), I believe I can help. The good news is that the Fabric of Time and Space is more like a stretchy double-knit polyester than a delicate silk. Since we're on the topic, let me first address a few common Time-Travel Urban Legends:

1. It's possible to go back in Time and kill yourself. Don't worry, it can't happen. I don't know of anyone who has successfully gone back in time and killed his or her younger self. Of course, now that I think about it, that doesn't prove anything because if they had, then I would have never met them, so let's move on.

2. If you go back in Time and meet yourself, it will cause some sort of anti-matter implosion. Not a problem. There's nothing special about the same person existing concurrently at the same time and location. Think of it like a string looped back on itself; a string doesn't vanish in some antimatter burst, does it? Most people find their Future Selves to be rather annoying, however, as they're constantly telling their Past Selves what's about to happen.

3. A tiny change made in the Past will cause huge differences in the Future. Yes, this is possible, but mostly it's bunk. Most tiny changes are lost in the noise of the infinite mass of other tiny events, and only yield tiny differences. If butterfly wing-flaps really caused hurricanes, the annual migration of Monarch butterflies would spawn millions of storms around the world. That doesn't happen, at least, not in this universe. (Before any readers send me angry letters explaining Chaos Theory, I know what it says; my point is that the odds of a specific tiny event being the one that causes huge future changes makes picking winning lottery numbers look like a sound investment plan).

4. If you go back in time and kill your grandfather, you'll cease to exist. Hey, we've come back to the very problem you inquired about! What luck. Now, if Nature abhors a vacuum, she REALLY hates a paradox. You probably couldn't actually kill your grandfather; something would prevent you from doing it because he was alive enough to father your mother. Or, perhaps you killed someone you THOUGHT was your grandfather, but he really wasn't. For example, your best bet now is to take your great-grandfather's name, and essentially become him. Yes, there are some creepy aspects to this, but let's just sweep all that under the Carpet of Time and Space, and never speak of them. The thing is, that's what may have already happened! From your Future perspective, anyway. How do you know that a mysterious stranger wasn't around when the man you thought was your great-grandfather was accidentally killed, and the stranger took his place? That's not the sort of thing that gets passed down in the family history about sweet, old great-grandma. NOT hooking up with the Dancing Dorothy might be what causes chronophylogical mayhem, not the other way ‘round. Don't think about it too hard, you'll hurt yourself.

Don't worry about your sudden disappearance from the Future causing downstream problems, either. My sources tell me that in the Far Distant Future, a dedicated team of people will work to keep the Time Lines running smoothly. Most people don't remember the horror that was George Bush Sr.'s second term, an alternate-history mistake that should never have been, because they went back and prevented it. In exchange, we got Whitewater, Ken Starr, and the whole Lewinsky scandal, which is a small price to pay.

So, Mr. Future, now that you're here, you should try to make the best of it. Living out the rest of your life in the Present is no worse than living in the Future; all time periods are roughly equal when you compare the real benefits and detriments. Except the Middle Ages, which was horrid for everyone.

Finally, you should know I don't take payment for my advice, and I was probably going to invest in alternate energy anyway...

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch