Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I would very much like to know about summoning djinn, but don't know where to start. Can you tell me how it is best done? If not, is there a good book on the subject that you would recommend (and tell me how to find it, if I cannot order it online)?

-- Bernie in Cincinnati

Dear Bernie,

You could be asking this question for one of the following reasons:
A.You're an experienced, powerful practitioner of the Dark Arts, and you've decided to employ a djinn in building a fabulous palace in your hidden, otherwordly domain.
B.You're a student doing a research paper.
C.You're just inquisitive and want to know for "entertainment purposes only."
D.You're a complete novice who wants to see if they can summon a djinn for the fun of it, or (let's be honest) to have it serve you and grant wishes.

I will demonstrate my amazing psychic powers and predict that you're in Category D! Am I right? Yes! Okay, the game is rigged, because if it was A, you'd already know how; B, you'd just ask your professor; C, nobody is in Category C, because even if they say they are, they're really in Category D. QED! Applaud if you like.

I'm not making fun of you, but I get so many inquiries similar to yours that I have to keep my spirits up somehow (no pun intended). Perhaps you've been watching certain animated movies and thinking, "That blue genie is really funny! I want a genie of my own!" Well, if you live in a Cartoon Universe, that's fine. In this world, it's actually on par with playing hockey using an unexploded land mine for a puck.

Djinn are ancient Elementals, older than humanity itself, and they're generally not terribly pleased with being bossed around by the new kids on the block. The hard part isn't the summoning, it's keeping the djinn from stuffing you inside your own hat. Or worse. Yes, there are accounts of humans marrying djinn and having families, but these the otherworldly equivalent of lottery winners. For every friendly human-djinn relationship, there are many thousands of brief, brutal interactions resulting in a grave slightly larger than a fez. This is only good if your prime motivator is inexpensive burial.

With that said, I will answer your question, and let you be responsible for what you do. As you've probably found, you can't just nip down to MegaBooks at the mall and pick up a copy of "Djinn Summoning for Dummies." You're not going to find what you want in any bookstore with a yellow-pages ad, embedded coffee shop, or website. You want the sort of rare-book store crammed with musty tomes stacked in random piles, where nothing is alphabetized or labeled, yet the wizened proprietor knows exactly where everything is. The shop will have no sign; the only indication of its wares will be the books barely visible through the grimy window. Look on dark, rainy days in the narrow streets of unsavory neighborhoods in ancient cities of Northern Africa and the Mideast. Don't be afraid to retrace your steps. When you find what you're looking for, you'll probably swear the shop wasn't there the first time you passed by.

Tell the shopkeeper what you want, and be politely steadfast when he offers you something else. Don't pay the asking price, but only haggle down to about 20% less. If he gives you a gift with the book, take it, even if it's some repulsive dried animal body-part. Don't bother with a receipt, because the next time you go back, there will be no indication that the store ever existed. You can read Arabic, right?

Once you have your book, you're on your own. If you've gone to all that trouble, you're not going to listen to my warnings, but I have one final recommendation: Wear a really big hat.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch