Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I sell flowers and fruit from a sidewalk stand. It's not glamorous, but I make a living. Well, I would, except I keep having to rebuild my stand. It's been destroyed seven times by car chases, and now no insurance company will cover me. Anything I can do?

-- Steve in Chicago

Dear Steve,

Wow. Tough one. Those sidewalk booths attract speeding cars like trailer parks attract tornadoes. Like shallow, insensitive men attract gorgeous women. Like a pile of soft money draws Congresspersons. Like... well, you get the picture.

You're dealing with the forces of nature here, similar to those forces that cause your small children to leave their toys just where you'll be walking barefoot in the dark hours later. You could try fortifying your booth, so it wouldn't fly apart in a shower of carnations and bananas, which reduces the magnetic appeal. Or build a ramp so cars go over you, although this might be tough to get past the zoning board.

Your best bet is to offer a more desirable target. For example, pay a couple guys to walk a plate of glass around on the OTHER side of the street (another car-chase magnet), but that could be expensive, and once the first car shattered the glass, subsequent cars would be drawn to your location. Perhaps a number of decoy stands placed nearby would help, although cars tend to ram the object that will scatter the most debris or explode dramatically, which is probably your stand.

Your final option is to move to another city. Set up your business almost anywhere other than New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, or San Francisco. Just don't move to Tokyo, because then you'll have to watch out for Godzilla (Ha ha! Just kidding! He hasn't destroyed Tokyo for years!).

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
My husband Earl and I just bought an old house on a hill overlooking a small town. We got a great deal, since the previous owners seem to have vanished mysteriously. We like the house very much, but strange things have started happening. The rocking chair rocks when no one is in it, groaning sounds come from the basement, and now the walls are bleeding. Earl thinks we can call somebody to fix it. What should we do to get this taken care of?

-- Edna and Earl, Unhappy Homeowners in the Midwest

Dear Edna and Earl,

What should you do? Oh, I don't know... maybe GET OUT NOW!

I can't believe how many people in your situation stay in the house. Do you think it's going to get better? Or you'll just get used to it? It's only going to get worse, and based on the symptoms, probably much, much worse. Wall-bleeding just leads to horrid, nasty things, often involving fangs and ichor. So, Relocation or Gruesome Death? Your choice.

If you choose wisely, quickly pack clothes and any keepsakes you can't bear to lose. Tell the neighbors that you're staying in a hotel because you're remodeling the kitchen and bathrooms. Then there's nothing else I can tell you to do, because I certainly would never encourage anyone to engage in criminal behavior. On a completely different topic, have you ever noticed how a halogen torchiere lamp standing too close to the curtains, waffles left in the toaster-oven, a pile of oily rags in the garage, or an iron left on in the laundry room can burn a remote house to the ground?

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch