Dear Dr. Eldritch,
How would I know if there are vampires around? It's not like I've been attacked, or even seen any, but there are some recent events that don't add up.

If you've ever been to Alaska, you know that moose will come into town and wander through the streets, looking for food. You're not supposed to get too close to them, but every year people do, and they're injured and killed. Well, I was talking to a friend of mine who works in the Coroner's Office, and he said that they had 417 death certificates last year where the Cause of Death was "Moose Attack." The thing is, most of the bodies weren't all battered like you'd expect. After about a dozen beers, he told me that those bodies usually just had two puncture wounds around the victim's neck or shoulders, and it was part of their job to "obscure" them. He didn't want to admit what that meant, but it got me wondering.

Then a couple weeks later, I see in the paper that I guy I met at a party once was trampled to death by a moose. Well, the paper didn't mention that he'd become an agoraphobic and never went outside any more. So how could he have been killed by a moose? I tried to investigate, to see if he ended up with those mysterious puncture wounds, but nobody would talk about it.

So, what sort of things should I know about vampires? Can they eat anything other than blood? Do they have to be killed by a stake through the heart? Is it true that bullets won't hurt them? What about sunlight? And all that other stuff, like garlic, crosses and things, do they work? Hit me with the 411.

-- Curious in Anchorage

Dear Curious,

It's hard to ask the important question behind these questions, isn't it? Don't you really want to ask: Are vampires REAL?

They could be just archetypal images of Evil found in works of fiction, and everything you describe above is either coincidence, fabrication, or easily explained by natural phenomenon. Could be. Here are some things to ponder, in the dark:

• Vampires can eat or drink anything they want, but they need blood to "live."

• Wooden stakes work, but aren't required. A large iron spike through the head will slow down anything, if it doesn't kill it outright. A sharp axe will separate limbs, heads, and torso, and nobody's much of a threat when in three or more large pieces. The Laws of Physics still apply.

• Speaking of which, fire and silver work on everybody, not just werewolves and the living dead. I'm not saying that ordinary bullets won't work, but I keep a shotgun loaded with silver and sodium pellets in a stabilizing compound (you chemistry students out there will remember sodium's combustible properties when exposed to liquids). It's a devastating mix of stopping power, anti-regeneration, and incendiary effect that works for whatever's bothering you.

• Sunlight destroys them quite nicely. I wouldn't be surprised if vampires like to winter in Alaska; they don't mind the cold and the nights are very long.

• Garlic does nothing to them, but some like to eat it to annoy the traditionalists.

• They don't fear a cross, that's just a holdover from the early days of Christianity, when it had the ad slogan "We're The Vampire-Free Religion!"

• However, Holy Water does hurt them. Go figure.

• Contrary to legend, vampires do cast shadows and reflect in mirrors (Laws of Physics, remember?).

• While these bloodsuckers like to say they're immortal, that isn't true. They're just undead, which means they don't age, but they can die.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch