Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I've predicted the apocalyptic destruction of the world 173 times incorrectly, but this time I'm sure I'm right! I know when the world is going to end! We need to tell everybody!

I admit, every other time I've predicted the end of the world, my prophetic sense was always off. In 1993, I had a vision of every continent being flooded by a huge wave of something sticky and sweet. Like honey. I know, that didn't happen. Back on January 1, 2000, I was convinced that our doom was not massive computer failure, but a swarm of Winged Gophers From Space that would overwhelm everyone on the planet. In hindsight, it seems a little silly, but that's what I got. Once again, nada. Last year, all omens indicated that a super-dense black hole would be caused by the proliferation of televised award shows, and the entire solar system would be sucked into it. I tried to get the networks to cancel, but for some reason, nobody took me seriously.

Which is a big problem now, because I've just received my clearest premonition yet! On April 13, 2029, a man named M. Enfour is going to engulf the world in fire and smoke! Billions will perish! We must start preparing now to prevent this disaster! You seem the best, most credible source to distribute this warning. So please, help me save the world!

-- Bob the Prophet

Dear Bob the Prophet,

This may come as a shock to you, Bob, but your predictions may not have been as far off base as you think. Normally I don't tell people this, but I believe that you and my readers can handle the truth: The world is almost always lurching toward an apocalypse of one sort or another. The planet and its inhabitants are threatened with destruction on a regular basis. So it's possible that every one of your predictions was correct, and only the determined actions of brave men, women and other beings have averted each and every global catastrophe so far.

Remember a few years ago, when the largest Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun in over nine million years threatened to burn everybody to a crisp? No, you don't. Because the Belgian Space Directorate launched a huge reflective shield into orbit to block the rays just in time. The public was told it was an eclipse. Think back; you remember an eclipse, don't you?

Of course, the authorities aren't always the ones to respond. In 2003, creatures from a minor dimension were poised to pour through a huge array of interdimensional portals, to slaughter wantonly and take any survivors as slaves. They were stopped by a rag-tag band of wannabe heroes, who heroically fought, and some died, to save a world that had no idea it was in danger. That didn't make the news at all. (Well, a couple periodicals picked it up, but they're the world-news outlets that tend to run headlines like "Psychic Space Alien Weds Siamese-Twin Bigfoots!", so nobody took them seriously.)

The point, Bob, is that those home-grown heroes became aware of a problem, and instead of merely telling people about it, or hoping that someone else would fix it, they did something. Consider a more active role in your world-saving efforts. Next time you're aware of impending doom, get out there and stop it. Sure, warn people if you like, but most people don't want to know about it. It's the lucky few who first learn of the danger who need to take the bull by the reins and save the world.

You don't think you're qualified? Last year in Topeka, two shoe salesmen, a kindergarten teacher and an exotic dancer who goes by the name "Amber Light" prevented the world from being downed in peach-flavored goo. I'm sure they didn't feel qualified, but when the world needed them, they stepped up to the plate and threw that Hail Mary pass to win the game. That's what I'm talking about, Bob.

As for Mr. M. Enfour, scientists are aware of the issue, but they're more concerned about a thousand-yard-wide asteroid heading to intersect with the Earth's path in 2880. I'm not saying that they've got a betting pool going on where it's going to land, but that might be a good year to not be living in Nebraska, if you know what I mean.

So when you get those premonitions, head on out and save the world! You'll find it surprisingly satisfying, and it will make a great story to tell your grandchildren. Even if they never believe you.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch